Life which is waiting to happen…

                         Looking back at life which has happened has invariably brought smile to me everytime, not that it was rosy all along, but even the painful of circumstances seemed to have made peace by now. Its not often I guess, that we find ourselves in a situation just sitting spending time for ourselves looking back and reflecting on the life we have lived so far. It was in this vein, once in a while I used to think, what if, I die the next moment? Will I be happy to have lived the life I have? Would there be peacefulness in heart for having through this all this while? Will there be contentment in heart about the happiness shared with the people around me?

                         In the last 3 months, it has been a journey through tough choices and decisions enforced via deadlock circumstances. It was not a new terrain as these were there ever since I moved away from home for studies 11 years ago, and then continued staying away since job also happened elsewhere. It was this period which taught aspects of life which I never knew. The dimensions of emotions through relationships with different walk of people in life have had a profound impact to say the least. Few years back, whenever things go wrong, the immediate reaction was to get out of it as quickly as possible with certain set of measures, and ensuring running into same problem in future was avoided, which rather blinded on introspecting something which was underlying, which made those corrective measures now look like quick fixes.

                       Personally, I feel now, life goes through us in phases. Each of the phases unveils its own beautiful experience, the experiences which I was blinded to sometimes. Just few months back, I guess I was blinded to one such phase, the phase which thrilled me for long that I probably failed to question its existence strongly with authority. It was then started this last 3 months, a phase of life I started to note seriously. Sequence of events opened up a thought process, a process which unraveled a new dimension within me. It was a phase where the mind was torn between wanting something to happen and being desperate.

                        As far as I could recollect, in each walk of life right from school days, it seems like life has opened up in a pleasant way. Each phase of life is a beautiful chapter of a story in itself. A self contained path which would lead us to the next stage, the path where there is no need to look outside for guidance to be happy. In comes in such paths are those friendships, relationships where emotional attachments start to happen. It is in principle of life I guess that each person in our life is for reason, some reasons being very subtle and some being very evident. Whenever the reason for their existence in our lives is fulfilled, they leave, for their purpose is served for us, they don’t do it intentionally, like when we look back, we would have left relationships behind without our knowledge that we were there for them when they would have needed it most. Some leave us without we noticing them, some would have come in, charmed us with their grace and when they leave, they leave us a warmth that only a heart can appreciate and we were never ever the same.

                        As it happened in my life, from one chapter to other, there was invariably an indication, an indication which makes sense to me only now. It was in my eight standard when I told my mom that I don’t want to study but to become an athlete, which forced her change my schooling from one town to other more to my dismay,it marked a beginning of a different chapter. It was a struggle getting through those four grades from 9^th to 12^th. When it came to choosing the profession, I was having a choice only in payment seats. I was hesistant going for payment seat in engineering college to avoid the burden on my parents, suggested I would go through polytechnic and join as a direct second year in college, but they convinced me to choose engineering. I was afraid, what if I won’t be able to do justice to the faith my parents are showing on me. Unlike the phase of change during my 8^th std, this was more scarier, probably first time some kind of responsibility? Choice was made and joined the college. It didn’t strike me that time it was a new chapter, a defining chapter which is going to mark the beginning of  what Im going to be in ten years from then.

                        Not very often, one gets a chance to realize without someone telling that there has to be change in us, a change which is necessary to become what we want to. Ofcourse such a change is triggered in most cases through a sequel of events which hurts, samething happened in college for me. I wasn’t aware of the principle on why it happened that time, but I only knew if I need to go the distance, there has to be a change personally to handle relationships well, be it friends or acquaintance or whoever it was. Till that moment, probably in the shadow of my parents all these never came into light? Not sure, but it was a transition which was necessary, a transition which I readily wanted to go through keeping in mind only short term. During those college days, never thought about whats going to happen after four years, where I will be and what I want to do, only desire was to get into a job, never did a homework to prepare myself for the same, what I then never realized was that life has already started its sculpting through the transition mentioned. The change which I took thinking in short term was actually the one which is going to be the base for what I desired, it was a beautiful subplot as I think of it now.

                        The journey through college was a gratifying experience. When I was out of college, never realized that I was into an open horizon where there are no boundaries or rules like I was used to, and that there will not be anyone who will spoon feed. It was a change, a change which as I see now is a new chapter. A chapter which would eventually question my basics and take out the confidence, like throwing a man into rough sea who doesn’t know swimming. It was hurting to start up with. Once into it, sense of comfortability started coming in knowing that at some point it would end. It was that adverse situation which taught what really strong means! It eventually took 18 months before I settled into the job I wanted to, well it was not without any sub plots… but then that’s how each chapter in our lives shape up I guess. Into the job, it was an ecstatic feeling, a sense of happiness which was an engrossing experience. Just when everything seemed settled, I was slated to be deployed to a different project which would need me to work in client’s place. It was a discomforting thought, a thought now I interpret as a new chapter which I was unaware of that time.

                         This was the chapter probably introduced things which were above my level. A new proposition in job as well as in relationships, things started slowly but once on the roll, it looked like finally some coherence was achieved. It was when there was again a change, a change which painfully taught me how to “Leave behind and move forward”. It was unclear to me on why all of a sudden such a aspect of life was exposed to me, though I felt Im running away from the problem, once through that uncertainity, it become familiar on what this pattern was about. Things started flowing smoothly again, there was a sense of happiness about what was happening, it was suddenly one day out of the blue, a decision was to be made, a decision about the career. Already leading into it was a sense of restleness which has started, which for some reason prompted me to change. I was negating it as I never found any valid reason to be doing so, but eventually it had to happen and it happened with that decision. Well there were no regrets though but rather a sense of relief which probably marked the beginning of a new chapter!

                         This was the phase probably when I started realizing that there are things to be done and to be taken care of, a phase where all those childhood fantasies and teenage thoughts were interpreted entirely in a different way. This is the same phase which carved out a new plot about relationships, it’s not about only friends or relatives but about each and every person who comes and goes. I was going through one of those real excitement phases in terms of happiness, I knew it wouldn’t last long for simple reason that sustaining such a level of improportionate happiness is just not possible. Though I questioned it, I knew I was blinded, rather allowed myself to since it felt nice to be in that state. Then it happened as expected, it was a crash landing. Had that not for the precaution probably it would have been worse, then it made sense to me on why I was taught “Leave behind and move forward” earlier.

                        There was a striking resembelance in each of these phases. Life never leaves us alone to face the adversity. There was always someone who comes in, temporarily takes the pain, guides through and once their purpose is met, if they are meant to leave, they leave. Some stay aside as pillars of strength making us believe life never gives something which we cannot handle. What’s more intriguing is that we will be prepared in advance without our knowledge for us to face it. I thank all those who have been that someone guiding me!!! Somehow through all this, it hits me that the running away from some problem is something which would not help in the long run and getting through is the best as there will always be someone/something which would see us through!!!

                        As I see now, I never thought of these patterns in life. Never thought of the phases of life, never realized that I was entering a new phase, not until now. Well, I guess we need to excel in each of the chapter’s without compromising being a human being, without being ruthless only to achieve something which we always wanted, be it money, fame or anyother. Who knows, probably all these little things when done right, could cumulatively bring all that what we wanted. As I look back, there was an indication whenever there was a change. With what was happening in the last few months, it feels to me now, life is about to bring in one such change. A new chapter yet again in my life, a different phase and a different learning. For the first time Im anticipating such a change and am eagerly awaiting for the freshness its going to bring. Im for sure about onething now, life is like an adventure only if we are not spellbound to certain aspects which cause a momentary heartache or for those events which are not in our control. If that happens, we start living every moment, only then we can really appreciate the pleasantness of life which is waiting to happen…

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